What do I really really really really want to do???

And Rilke answers me with this: "to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer. Perhaps you do carry within you the possibility of creating and forming, as an especially blessed and pure way of living; train yourself for that --- but take whatever comes, with great trust..."

I ponder his wisdom. The only thing left to do is to journey the infinite abyss. There's a black hole waiting for me. And if I don't jump now when will I ever do it?
So, trust I am asking the right questions and I will live in my own way into the answers.
I look out into the garden and begin to space out. A moments pause. For now, all I could do for myself is to pick up my brush then paint the memory of my last tea party.