" --- only be attentive to what is arising within you and place that above everything you perceive around you. What is happening in your innermost self is worthy of your entire love." - Rainer Maria Rilke
The letter were spurts of incoherent replies. Rereading it the message became clear: I am here. I turn to my sister and say, "I feel like a rock fell on me". She shakes her head and goes, "No, no, not a rock but a meteorite." Then we both start laughing like mad until tears were rolling down our eyes. And just when I thought things were beginning to make sense, the universe quickly throws in a new one like those tv shopping ads screaming 'but wait there's more!' but wwwwhhhhyyyy universe? So, I tried with all my might to think happy thoughts. Right now, there is one place I wish I could go to --- puka beach. Ever since I moved on the island it is the one place that I run to when I need to clear my thoughts and rejuvenate. It is the place where Cee and I first shared secrets, it is the place where we buried our feet and underneath felt our heartbeats thumping, it is the place where I could be still, it is our refuge from the madness of white beach, it is our piece of safety and was the last place i went to that morning of the bloody sunday. What I'd like to do right now is run towards the shoreline and scream my lungs out until the pain goes away like those aha moments in the movies where characters have moments of clarity and are guided on what to do next: yes run to the shoreline and scream your lungs out for the big aha moment (music in the background). Instead, I created my own sacred space at home and began to meditate on it. No big aha moment here just the deep clarity of the necessary steps. Either way I will be hurt. Not see him = hurt. Will see him = hurt. But my soul knows what it wants. I made the choice and I know whatever hurt that is I will be happy. And the point really is to make ourselves happy. Jackie O gets it by saying, "You owe it to yourself, as well as the world, to make yourself happy." That is the point of this journey. I'm beginning to trust I am on the right path. And whoever reads this, I'm happy that you're a part of this journey with me. I am truly grateful that people like you exist. As all of you shown it is not easy to get to where you are. Your own stories showed me that great inner strength is required. And my inner strength will be put to the test again. It feels like the end but also it doesn't feel like an ending. Whatever this is I trust it.
photo taken October 2008 in puka beach. Me and Cee's feet buried in the sand. It was such a beautiful day. We also shared our most intimate secrets on why we had made the decision to move to paradise. Our secrets will forever be safe with Puka Beach.
(taken from my journal yesterday) The ate's and I talked about what happened on that bloody sunday. They listened to my story and I listened to what happened to them also on that day and their take on it. I'm grateful they are my family. I'm grateful and worried at the same time for Ate Tar who was the witness and savior. I'm grateful we were all in this together. I'm grateful I was able to spare mom and dad from this. As Peej said, "Let's congratulate ourselves for our first crisis without mom and dad." The past two weeks now seem so distant. I seem fine. I feel fine. I may look fine but I know this is only the beginning. Mapping out the necessary steps is difficult. Where to start? Locked myself in my room, I wrote a love letter, said goodbye to a lover, spent more time with family and met up with friends that I love. Ate Tar has graciously supported my self work and encouraged me to see a psycho-therapist. So, today I went to see a Jungian psycho-therapist. I was nervous. I had so many questions, my mind was running wildly and I went through journals to list the things I wanted to say. Only to be surprised that none of them came up. For two hours I talked from the beginning of the year to the present. She picked out some parts and a word came to her: Abort. From there everything seemed to fall into place. I cried, I laughed, I felt lighter. Having a professional listen and to fill in the blanks for me made it better. Made more sense. Truth is, she just validated what I already knew. She advised me to give my body and psyche a rest. To stop overly thinking everything and to be grounded... literally. As we wrapped up the session, a new thought came to her: Animus. I felt the recognition all over my body. This was what I was looking for. Now, I have a piece of the puzzle. Rilke's words also came to mind, "to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer." After the session, we hugged. I felt comforted but knew this is only the beginning. There is more work to be done. So, I did a mental check of what immediately needs improvement: will work on my hemoglobin. Raise it first. Will work on my designs because I know I am happy when I do. And will spend time with my parents (I never know when I am about to go or when they will go), of course work out any issues with my siblings. Build my relationships with friends. The number one is work on myself (a major check after seeing Tita Rose). From being a zombie locked up in my room and in my own body, I'm taking the baby steps out of it.
I love Roxy. She is the most amazing house on the island. Well, she is the space where Cee (Denise) and I spend time hanging out and creating wonderful ideas. But there is also another place where I can imagine great creativity.
Gumamela is a charming house in bolabog. I've been eyeing the place ever since I moved on the island. What I love about it is light fills the entire place and there's a small attic that can be turned into a studio perfect for writing, drawing and sewing. There's also enough space to chill and lounge around: exactly for what we do best on the island. Don't you just love it? So, yes, we'll absolutely take it :)
"I find hope in the darkest of days, and focus on the brightest. I do not judge the universe."
From browsing through old sketchbooks circa 2003, I find this amazing fellow hidden among pages and pages filled with doodles, anime sketches and writings. His Holiness, the ocean of wisdom came as a pleasant surprise. Ocean (dalai) or water has always been a symbolic part of my inner psyche. From a recent tantra yoga class, I found myself moving as though I was swimming in a deep ocean. Diving deep into the blue warm water. After that session, Bhairavi, a calm, petite and pretty lady kindly read my energy stating my solar plexus, sacral to my base chakra were blocked. Ah, I recognized my emotional issues and creativity were my main culprits. And I thought I was already swimming in them! Then, she tells me to embrace the ocean. Don't just swim in it, imbibe it. I turn to the Dalai Lama. The wisdom that comes is inner peace. Happiness is inner peace; healing is inner peace. To embrace the emotions I was feeling - care bear stare na sa pa-cool! - and make peace with it. Make it become a part of me. Don't just swim in it become the ocean. This is becoming a very interesting journey. And slowly I am finding my way to the answers. Actually, I am beginning as Rilke so promised to live my way into them.
6:00 pm. July 22. Cardiovascular ICU. I don't like being in this place. It's so cold here. My hands are numb. I closely monitor the screen that checks his ecg and bp rating. Everything is normal. His breathing heavy and deep. He must be extremely tired, he only had jello and bland soup for dinner. He slowly drifts back to sleep. I wonder what he's thinking right now or what he dreams about. It must be scary lying there so vulnerable and helpless. It hurts watching him like this.
6:30 pm Nothing. He's still asleep. Sound asleep. He has his mouth now open.
7:00 pm The nurse comes in and startles him. He is now awake while she's checking the machines and tubes attached to him. At last she leaves.
7:30 pm We quietly stare at the tv as he kept switching channels between Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network. He can't decide what to watch: talking cows or the kid that can bend air. I'd catch him shutting his eyes once in awhile. Then, he asks me to fix the yellow blanket. He's feeling cold.
8:00 pm He falls asleep. I stand up from my seat again and switch off the t.v. I kiss him on the forehead. Goodnight, dee dee.
Comment il sera univers? I got my answer a few days ago. While unnecessarily obsessing about something the little book called God calling (which I haven't read for quite awhile since I left my own copy in boracay) was shoved at me by my asteeg sister one chika morning. It gave me this advice: Trust and wait. Okay. I can relax now. Since then, I've been going back to the mat, slowly facing myself again as I gave in to each asanas. Each practice brings in new questions and as I'd go deeper and deeper the questions just seemed endless. It always starts with HOW? I'd breathe in, let those two words fill me, exhale, and letting the universe take over from there.
Inspired by the japanese cherry blossoms, I decided to make this sketch as part of a series of faceless bikini-clad girlies for my postcard collection. Been thinking whether or not to turn this into my 365-days project. My sister is making beautiful images with a corresponding haiku as her own project. It's inspiring. And she's pushing me to start my own everyday personal project. Well, I am loaded with enough personal projects for the year sometimes I don't know where to start and end up having tea and just making chika chika instead or sleep (though I do feel very productive during these restful times -- I'm always tired must be part of the healing process) Angry Girl, Felix et Felice, Beach Baby, Postcards, Happy Girl Ink and more are all listed in my to do list. I am trying to juggle them all.