" --- only be attentive to what is arising within you and place that above everything you perceive around you. What is happening in your innermost self is worthy of your entire love." - Rainer Maria Rilke

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Stranger than fiction

The letter were spurts of incoherent replies. Rereading it the message became clear: I am here. I turn to my sister and say, "I feel like a rock fell on me". She shakes her head and goes, "No, no, not a rock but a meteorite." Then we both start laughing like mad until tears were rolling down our eyes.
And just when I thought things were beginning to make sense, the universe quickly throws in a new one like those tv shopping ads screaming 'but wait there's more!' but wwwwhhhhyyyy universe?
So, I tried with all my might to think happy thoughts. Right now, there is one place I wish I could go to --- puka beach. Ever since I moved on the island it is the one place that I run to when I need to clear my thoughts and rejuvenate. It is the place where Cee and I first shared secrets, it is the place where we buried our feet and underneath felt our heartbeats thumping, it is the place where I could be still, it is our refuge from the madness of white beach, it is our piece of safety and was the last place i went to that morning of the bloody sunday.
What I'd like to do right now is run towards the shoreline and scream my lungs out until the pain goes away like those aha moments in the movies where characters have moments of clarity and are guided on what to do next: yes run to the shoreline and scream your lungs out for the big aha moment (music in the background). Instead, I created my own sacred space at home and began to meditate on it. No big aha moment here just the deep clarity of the necessary steps.
Either way I will be hurt. Not see him = hurt. Will see him = hurt. But my soul knows what it wants. I made the choice and I know whatever hurt that is I will be happy. And the point really is to make ourselves happy. Jackie O gets it by saying, "You owe it to yourself, as well as the world, to make yourself happy." That is the point of this journey. I'm beginning to trust I am on the right path. And whoever reads this, I'm happy that you're a part of this journey with me. I am truly grateful that people like you exist. As all of you shown it is not easy to get to where you are. Your own stories showed me that great inner strength is required. And my inner strength will be put to the test again.
It feels like the end but also it doesn't feel like an ending. Whatever this is I trust it.

photo taken October 2008 in puka beach. Me and Cee's feet buried in the sand. It was such a beautiful day. We also shared our most intimate secrets on why we had made the decision to move to paradise. Our secrets will forever be safe with Puka Beach.


  1. Amen, Peej. You are a strong, happy girl. Go lang nang go! ;)

  2. Peeejeee! Thanks! So are you! So let's go! :)

  3. CEEEE!!! I got teary-eyed! You don't have to be in Puka Beach to feel peaceful and safe. Refuge is wherever there's a loved one willing to listen.

    I believe in your incredible inner strength! :D