happy girl ink

Stranger than fiction

2010-11-02T22:44:00.006+08:00

The letter were spurts of incoherent replies. Rereading it the message became clear: I am here. I turn to my sister and say, "I feel like a rock fell on me". She shakes her head and goes, "No, no, not a rock but a meteorite." Then we both start laughing like mad until tears were rolling down our eyes.
And just when I thought things were beginning to make sense, the universe quickly throws in a new one like those tv shopping ads screaming 'but wait there's more!' but wwwwhhhhyyyy universe?
So, I tried with all my might to think happy thoughts. Right now, there is one place I wish I could go to --- puka beach. Ever since I moved on the island it is the one place that I run to when I need to clear my thoughts and rejuvenate. It is the place where Cee and I first shared secrets, it is the place where we buried our feet and underneath felt our heartbeats thumping, it is the place where I could be still, it is our refuge from the madness of white beach, it is our piece of safety and was the last place i went to that morning of the bloody sunday.
What I'd like to do right now is run towards the shoreline and scream my lungs out until the pain goes away like those aha moments in the movies where characters have moments of clarity and are guided on what to do next: yes run to the shoreline and scream your lungs out for the big aha moment (music in the background). Instead, I created my own sacred space at home and began to meditate on it. No big aha moment here just the deep clarity of the necessary steps.
Either way I will be hurt. Not see him = hurt. Will see him = hurt. But my soul knows what it wants. I made the choice and I know whatever hurt that is I will be happy. And the point really is to make ourselves happy. Jackie O gets it by saying, "You owe it to yourself, as well as the world, to make yourself happy." That is the point of this journey. I'm beginning to trust I am on the right path. And whoever reads this, I'm happy that you're a part of this journey with me. I am truly grateful that people like you exist. As all of you shown it is not easy to get to where you are. Your own stories showed me that great inner strength is required. And my inner strength will be put to the test again.
It feels like the end but also it doesn't feel like an ending. Whatever this is I trust it.

photo taken October 2008 in puka beach. Me and Cee's feet buried in the sand. It was such a beautiful day. We also shared our most intimate secrets on why we had made the decision to move to paradise. Our secrets will forever be safe with Puka Beach.

Bloody Sunday

2010-10-15T10:21:00.005+08:00

(taken from my journal yesterday)
The ate's and I talked about what happened on that bloody sunday. They listened to my story and I listened to what happened to them also on that day and their take on it. I'm grateful they are my family. I'm grateful and worried at the same time for Ate Tar who was the witness and savior. I'm grateful we were all in this together. I'm grateful I was able to spare mom and dad from this. As Peej said, "Let's congratulate ourselves for our first crisis without mom and dad."
The past two weeks now seem so distant. I seem fine. I feel fine. I may look fine but I know this is only the beginning. Mapping out the necessary steps is difficult. Where to start? Locked myself in my room, I wrote a love letter, said goodbye to a lover, spent more time with family and met up with friends that I love. Ate Tar has graciously supported my self work and encouraged me to see a psycho-therapist. So, today I went to see a Jungian psycho-therapist. I was nervous. I had so many questions, my mind was running wildly and I went through journals to list the things I wanted to say. Only to be surprised that none of them came up.
For two hours I talked from the beginning of the year to the present. She picked out some parts and a word came to her: Abort. From there everything seemed to fall into place.
I cried, I laughed, I felt lighter. Having a professional listen and to fill in the blanks for me made it better. Made more sense. Truth is, she just validated what I already knew. She advised me to give my body and psyche a rest. To stop overly thinking everything and to be grounded... literally. As we wrapped up the session, a new thought came to her: Animus. I felt the recognition all over my body. This was what I was looking for. Now, I have a piece of the puzzle. Rilke's words also came to mind, "to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."
After the session, we hugged. I felt comforted but knew this is only the beginning. There is more work to be done. So, I did a mental check of what immediately needs improvement: will work on my hemoglobin. Raise it first. Will work on my designs because I know I am happy when I do. And will spend time with my parents (I never know when I am about to go or when they will go), of course work out any issues with my siblings. Build my relationships with friends. The number one is work on myself (a major check after seeing Tita Rose). From being a zombie locked up in my room and in my own body, I'm taking the baby steps out of it.

Beach House Dreaming

2010-08-25T17:59:00.004+08:00

I love Roxy. She is the most amazing house on the island. Well, she is the space where Cee (Denise) and I spend time hanging out and creating wonderful ideas. But there is also another place where I can imagine great creativity.

Gumamela is a charming house in bolabog. I've been eyeing the place ever since I moved on the island. What I love about it is light fills the entire place and there's a small attic that can be turned into a studio perfect for writing, drawing and sewing. There's also enough space to chill and lounge around: exactly for what we do best on the island. Don't you just love it?
So, yes, we'll absolutely take it :)

Photos taken by Denise Tolentino from her blog The happy factory
Thank you Cee!

Swimming Lessons

2010-08-22T00:30:00.008+08:00

"The purpose of our lives is to be happy."

"I find hope in the darkest of days, and focus on the brightest. I do not judge the universe."

From browsing through old sketchbooks circa 2003, I find this amazing fellow hidden among pages and pages filled with doodles, anime sketches and writings. His Holiness, the ocean of wisdom came as a pleasant surprise.
Ocean (dalai) or water has always been a symbolic part of my inner psyche. From a recent tantra yoga class, I found myself moving as though I was swimming in a deep ocean. Diving deep into the blue warm water. After that session, Bhairavi, a calm, petite and pretty lady kindly read my energy stating my solar plexus, sacral to my base chakra were blocked. Ah, I recognized my emotional issues and creativity were my main culprits. And I thought I was already swimming in them! Then, she tells me to embrace the ocean. Don't just swim in it, imbibe it.
I turn to the Dalai Lama. The wisdom that comes is inner peace. Happiness is inner peace; healing is inner peace. To embrace the emotions I was feeling - care bear stare na sa pa-cool! - and make peace with it. Make it become a part of me. Don't just swim in it become the ocean. This is becoming a very interesting journey. And slowly I am finding my way to the answers. Actually, I am beginning as Rilke so promised to live my way into them.

...just a thought: dalai lama or noynoy? :)

Night Watch

2010-07-23T00:01:00.003+08:00

6:00 pm. July 22. Cardiovascular ICU.
I don't like being in this place.
It's so cold here. My hands are numb.
I closely monitor the screen that checks his ecg and bp rating. Everything is normal.
His breathing heavy and deep. He must be extremely tired, he only had jello and bland soup for dinner.
He slowly drifts back to sleep. I wonder what he's thinking right now or what he dreams about. It must be scary lying there so vulnerable and helpless. It hurts watching him like this.

6:30 pm
Nothing.
He's still asleep. Sound asleep. He has his mouth now open.

7:00 pm
The nurse comes in and startles him. He is now awake while she's checking the machines and tubes attached to him. At last she leaves.

7:30 pm
We quietly stare at the tv as he kept switching channels between Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network. He can't decide what to watch: talking cows or the kid that can bend air. I'd catch him shutting his eyes once in awhile. Then, he asks me to fix the yellow blanket. He's feeling cold.

8:00 pm
He falls asleep. I stand up from my seat again and switch off the t.v.
I kiss him on the forehead.
Goodnight, dee dee.

How will it be universe?

2010-03-29T19:41:00.004+08:00

Comment il sera univers?
I got my answer a few days ago. While unnecessarily obsessing about something the little book called God calling (which I haven't read for quite awhile since I left my own copy in boracay) was shoved at me by my asteeg sister one chika morning. It gave me this advice: Trust and wait. Okay. I can relax now. Since then, I've been going back to the mat, slowly facing myself again as I gave in to each asanas. Each practice brings in new questions and as I'd go deeper and deeper the questions just seemed endless. It always starts with HOW? I'd breathe in, let those two words fill me, exhale, and letting the universe take over from there.

Personal Projects

2010-02-19T14:41:00.003+08:00

Inspired by the japanese cherry blossoms, I decided to make this sketch as part of a series of faceless bikini-clad girlies for my postcard collection. Been thinking whether or not to turn this into my 365-days project. My sister is making beautiful images with a corresponding haiku as her own project. It's inspiring. And she's pushing me to start my own everyday personal project. Well, I am loaded with enough personal projects for the year sometimes I don't know where to start and end up having tea and just making chika chika instead or sleep (though I do feel very productive during these restful times -- I'm always tired must be part of the healing process) Angry Girl, Felix et Felice, Beach Baby, Postcards, Happy Girl Ink and more are all listed in my to do list. I am trying to juggle them all.

Angry Girl: Building Character

2010-02-12T11:59:00.002+08:00

A black and white sample of AG. She likes glam rock fashion: leggings, knee-high socks, shirts, jackets with tabs (maybe leather jackets too), depends really on her mood (or my mood in fact). But then, she might want to wear a dress inspired by Chloe or Alber Elbaz or Sari Gueron. Oh, and she definitely loves Tsumori Chisato's cutesy drawings and Junko Shimada's fantasy world. She admires Tadahiro Uesugi's pretty sketches. Although slightly frustrated with her own art, this girl is about being authentic with her work and being angry at many things especially her flirky (yes that's for flirty) step-sister (not sure about whether they really are) Vixen Mayhem.

A colored version of it using watercolor. Colors didn't come out the way I wanted it but yah will get there. Need more practice.

Angry Girl!

2010-01-28T12:15:00.005+08:00

Here's to my girl AG! For those who don't know her yet, she's my alter ego a few years back. It came as an idea from my really good friend Rica. I couldn't write her story well simply because I was still in a rage haha But now, I've got to face her again, finally giving her space to grow up. So in the upcoming month you'll meet her beloved friends Lilibells and Patty Cakes. Of course, we shouldn't forget Vixen Mayhem (the major flirk yes flirk for flirt). I've added a new character Kupern. It came to me a few days ago while having lunch and Kups (my brother) walked in the kitchen and was kupin! He's one of my fave characters though. I couldn't help but laugh while drawing him. On writing how the story will go is still a challenge. I want it to be as truthful as possible and at that same time fun. We'll see how it turns out in the next few days.

A Sketchy Dream

2010-01-23T07:00:00.000+08:00

After much tossing and turning in bed was I finally able to sleep. Impatient and anxious about many things in the real world even when in the dream state, ugh, I was impatient and anxious. Nicole and even my guru gave this advice: ask a question before going to sleep. It is in dreams that we will find the answers. So tonight I tried. And when I awoke sluggishness and out of sorts yet peaceful I wrote what I had dreamt of: three long pages of outrageous events. Then, I saw this sketch I made a few months ago. Strange, if I drew one part of what I saw in my dream it would somehow look like this.

Scratches scratches sketches sketches sketches

2010-01-19T14:26:00.010+08:00

I dream of the beach!!! :)
But its nice and cozy here too in the south side of Manila. Lots of tea time, good vibes and talks about what we want in life with Peej, Kups joining in the conversation with his stories, Mems running about acting like a mom and constantly checking for flight promos, Dee dee armed with his supply of peanuts staring at the t.v. because its "Military Monday" on history channel (but it's military monday any day of the week for him!), Atee Dang arriving on weekends and showing off her art exchange program (very inspiring, gow gow), and Atee Tar missing in action (miss you!), and no stress on what to eat (thanks for the wonderful cooking Sayong!), and when I don't feel like driving Charlo takes me (yey!) and there is the motivation to wake up early so i can at least get a glimpse of Oliveyey that works for me (heehee). Despite this skin dis-ease there's a lot of good things coming along. And to take my wandering hand from scratching (and a long time project which I can no longer put on hold) I've turned to sketching my angry girl series again :) yey!

Finding my flow

2010-01-18T15:07:00.006+08:00

This is what happens when you know you're the master of your own universe...You begin to dance like the ancient Apsara's! And couldn't care much if your brother is making fun and kupin' at you (but hey he still took the photo). I was so thrilled to see the water and the greenery and the only way to express it was to pose like so! :) There was so much energy going on in that place that day. I was so glad I was a part of that inner world. Now, if only I could recreate that day as where I am today, it's a bit difficult if you're not sensing you're own energy (pitiful indeed). To all the gods and goddesses, hear me out, please let me dance the way I danced that day: to flow back with my inner groove. The thought of it makes my insides wobble, I cannot wait for that day to come.

Angry Girl Begins

2010-01-13T15:43:00.002+08:00

Angry? Me? It didn't make sense. I never thought of myself as someone who was angry to even cause this skin disease. The mind couldn't even make the connections between feelings and this bodily discomfort. But with all the books I've read on this, my body rang with recognition, my heart sank and the mind knew what it had denied for so long. I was indeed angry at many things. This anger was showing me the way but I failed to let her in. And I guess I didn't think it was the 'proper' way to go since no proper sane person would let the negative things get to them. I guess it only becomes negative when you let it get to you so instead this time, make no mistake girlie in turning this into an enemy that I should win over it (be the bigger person ek ek) No no I'm stepping back and seeing it for what it is. Befriending it. Serve her tea (i wonder if she'd like to join me and peej) and ask questions. I'm even picking some flowers for her. Hope she likes it. I'm ready to hear her out. Oh, I wonder what she has to say... :)

In Between

2009-12-22T08:48:00.008+08:00

I am in a place called in between.
I am neither here nor there.
I am currently in between no work and my future work.
I am nowhere and yet i seem to be everywhere.
I am not a child nor am I an adult.
I am in the middle of then and now.
I am awake and asleep.
I am in a valley between what is real and what isn't.
I am here yet I long to be somewhere else.
As I try to heal myself, I am in the middle of losing or winning this battle.
I am home but my true home is the island.
I don't want to look back nor can I move forward.
I am in between a life being lived and a life that is yet to be lived.
And how do I get myself out of here?
Or should I just stay with it, be with it?

Then the questions, the questions keep coming. They don't stop coming. Flowing from within like currents in the sea. They will not stop flowing. They come because my soul knows they need an answer. An answer that has to be lived out because that is the only way they will keep still, a momentary stillness before I could clearly see the bottom of that blue water and watch the beautiful things that reside there.

I know only I can find the answers for no one else will live my truth but me. I take a look at myself and say with a knowing smile what I am about to ask, "So, tell me, do you really honestly want to leave this place?"

*Me standing in the bridge to nowhere, photo by Kups taken in Siargao summer 2006.

2009-12-06T06:32:00.001+08:00

If I could just
Rip a hole
Thru the very depths of my soul,

And let the inner light
Shine out,

And let it roam out to
land,
And it let it swim out to
sea,

To come back where I am
renewed, brightened
by the change of scenery.

-- April 23, 2009 written in Boracay Island.
Photo taken in La Union circa 2004 with my best-crazy girlfriend Nina Amores.

What's a girl to do when feeling the blues?

2009-12-05T07:00:00.001+08:00

Throw a tea party!
When feeling blue I remember the good old sweets that I ate and the flavorful tea that made me so happy.
I recently had one on the island in this really really pretty juice bar called Ola, owned by the cutest baker I know!
She made me mahalo muffins- banana, pecan nuts and kahlua with a thin layer of light buttermilk frosting with dessicated coconut (crazy!) with heart printed cups (oh so sweet), blueberry muffins, oatmeal raisin cookies, delectable brownies and tuna cheese spread on top of crusty sliced french bread.

I made little heart cut-outs from banana leaves and my favorite is my name! I placed brownies and oatmeal cookies on top for anyone to pick! And of course the tea! Fresh ginger with lemongrass and basil leaves, fresh tarragon tea (straight from her garden) and green tea. An afternoon delight indeed with loved ones :)

What's on my mind right now?

2009-12-04T08:22:00.002+08:00

Diniwid on my mind. I miss the cool, airy breeze coming from the beach. The chicken that runs through our garden. The flower strewn street. The plants that guard the gate (which i eventually sniped off!) The white walls. The music playing in the background. The framed photo of me and oliveyey. Cee having coffee. Bukbok. Sunlight hitting the garden. Our breezy room. The large long table to write and draw and dream. The messy living room. My favorite companions: dalai lama, stephanie meyer, elizabeth gilbert, and all my other books. The art studio and that hole through the bathroom. The five minute walk to the beach. The walk to the other side of the island from here.

I'll be home soon Roxy just wait for me to heal :)

What do I really really really really want to do???

2009-12-03T07:00:00.000+08:00

And Rilke answers me with this: "to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer. Perhaps you do carry within you the possibility of creating and forming, as an especially blessed and pure way of living; train yourself for that --- but take whatever comes, with great trust..."

I ponder his wisdom. The only thing left to do is to journey the infinite abyss. There's a black hole waiting for me. And if I don't jump now when will I ever do it?
So, trust I am asking the right questions and I will live in my own way into the answers.
I look out into the garden and begin to space out. A moments pause. For now, all I could do for myself is to pick up my brush then paint the memory of my last tea party.

What do I really really really really want to do with my life?

2009-12-02T08:53:00.000+08:00

I wake up early today. I sit outside and wait for the sunlight to come and play. Then, as light came I flip open my journal, pick up my pen and begin to write my life away.