(taken from my journal yesterday)
The ate's and I talked about what happened on that bloody sunday. They listened to my story and I listened to what happened to them also on that day and their take on it. I'm grateful they are my family. I'm grateful and worried at the same time for Ate Tar who was the witness and savior. I'm grateful we were all in this together. I'm grateful I was able to spare mom and dad from this. As Peej said, "Let's congratulate ourselves for our first crisis without mom and dad."
The past two weeks now seem so distant. I seem fine. I feel fine. I may look fine but I know this is only the beginning. Mapping out the necessary steps is difficult. Where to start? Locked myself in my room, I wrote a love letter, said goodbye to a lover, spent more time with family and met up with friends that I love. Ate Tar has graciously supported my self work and encouraged me to see a psycho-therapist. So, today I went to see a Jungian psycho-therapist. I was nervous. I had so many questions, my mind was running wildly and I went through journals to list the things I wanted to say. Only to be surprised that none of them came up.
For two hours I talked from the beginning of the year to the present. She picked out some parts and a word came to her: Abort. From there everything seemed to fall into place.
I cried, I laughed, I felt lighter. Having a professional listen and to fill in the blanks for me made it better. Made more sense. Truth is, she just validated what I already knew. She advised me to give my body and psyche a rest. To stop overly thinking everything and to be grounded... literally. As we wrapped up the session, a new thought came to her: Animus. I felt the recognition all over my body. This was what I was looking for. Now, I have a piece of the puzzle. Rilke's words also came to mind, "to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."
After the session, we hugged. I felt comforted but knew this is only the beginning. There is more work to be done. So, I did a mental check of what immediately needs improvement: will work on my hemoglobin. Raise it first. Will work on my designs because I know I am happy when I do. And will spend time with my parents (I never know when I am about to go or when they will go), of course work out any issues with my siblings. Build my relationships with friends. The number one is work on myself (a major check after seeing Tita Rose). From being a zombie locked up in my room and in my own body, I'm taking the baby steps out of it.
