In Between

I am in a place called in between.
I am neither here nor there.
I am currently in between no work and my future work.
I am nowhere and yet i seem to be everywhere.
I am not a child nor am I an adult.
I am in the middle of then and now.
I am awake and asleep.
I am in a valley between what is real and what isn't.
I am here yet I long to be somewhere else.
As I try to heal myself, I am in the middle of losing or winning this battle.
I am home but my true home is the island.
I don't want to look back nor can I move forward.
I am in between a life being lived and a life that is yet to be lived.
And how do I get myself out of here?
Or should I just stay with it, be with it?

Then the questions, the questions keep coming. They don't stop coming. Flowing from within like currents in the sea. They will not stop flowing. They come because my soul knows they need an answer. An answer that has to be lived out because that is the only way they will keep still, a momentary stillness before I could clearly see the bottom of that blue water and watch the beautiful things that reside there.

I know only I can find the answers for no one else will live my truth but me. I take a look at myself and say with a knowing smile what I am about to ask, "So, tell me, do you really honestly want to leave this place?"


*Me standing in the bridge to nowhere, photo by Kups taken in Siargao summer 2006.

If I could just
Rip a hole
Thru the very depths of my soul,

And let the inner light
Shine out,

And let it roam out to
land,
And it let it swim out to
sea,

To come back where I am
renewed, brightened
by the change of scenery.

-- April 23, 2009 written in Boracay Island.
Photo taken in La Union circa 2004 with my best-crazy girlfriend Nina Amores.

What's a girl to do when feeling the blues?

Throw a tea party!
When feeling blue I remember the good old sweets that I ate and the flavorful tea that made me so happy.
I recently had one on the island in this really really pretty juice bar called Ola, owned by the cutest baker I know!
She made me mahalo muffins- banana, pecan nuts and kahlua with a thin layer of light buttermilk frosting with dessicated coconut (crazy!) with heart printed cups (oh so sweet), blueberry muffins, oatmeal raisin cookies, delectable brownies and tuna cheese spread on top of crusty sliced french bread.





I made little heart cut-outs from banana leaves and my favorite is my name! I placed brownies and oatmeal cookies on top for anyone to pick! And of course the tea! Fresh ginger with lemongrass and basil leaves, fresh tarragon tea (straight from her garden) and green tea. An afternoon delight indeed with loved ones :)

What's on my mind right now?

Diniwid on my mind. I miss the cool, airy breeze coming from the beach. The chicken that runs through our garden. The flower strewn street. The plants that guard the gate (which i eventually sniped off!) The white walls. The music playing in the background. The framed photo of me and oliveyey. Cee having coffee. Bukbok. Sunlight hitting the garden. Our breezy room. The large long table to write and draw and dream. The messy living room. My favorite companions: dalai lama, stephanie meyer, elizabeth gilbert, and all my other books. The art studio and that hole through the bathroom. The five minute walk to the beach. The walk to the other side of the island from here.

I'll be home soon Roxy just wait for me to heal :)

What do I really really really really want to do???

And Rilke answers me with this: "to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer. Perhaps you do carry within you the possibility of creating and forming, as an especially blessed and pure way of living; train yourself for that --- but take whatever comes, with great trust..."

I ponder his wisdom. The only thing left to do is to journey the infinite abyss. There's a black hole waiting for me. And if I don't jump now when will I ever do it?
So, trust I am asking the right questions and I will live in my own way into the answers.
I look out into the garden and begin to space out. A moments pause. For now, all I could do for myself is to pick up my brush then paint the memory of my last tea party.

What do I really really really really want to do with my life?

I wake up early today. I sit outside and wait for the sunlight to come and play. Then, as light came I flip open my journal, pick up my pen and begin to write my life away.